Political Carrion For The Soul

OIB reader Mark Twaing embraces a sourly tang with a savantish edge toward politicians. He knows how to exploit the soft spots–as in the words of Alfred E. Neuman, “Political speeches are like steer horns, a point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.” Check out Twaing’s takes on the seven candidates for governor, five Republicans, two Dems, who’ll appear on the August 14 primary ballot. Let the meowing begin.

Tim Herbst

Watching Tim Herbst throw a football in his campaign spot is worse than seeing one of those chicks freeze to death in march of the penguins. To hear that he had “played football” only makes me wonder what he means when he says he’s an “educated lawyer.”

David Stemerman:

(breaking news) Thinly-veiled Machiavellian robot algorithm that was last used at a hedge fund, now attempting to run for office as “David Stemerman” rather than original name, Mathbot.

Mark Boughton:

Make-a-wish participant, inexplicably the current mayor of Danbury, asks to be elected to “bigger boy position.” I can’t help but wonder how he was elected to his current position, and that pushes out any thoughts of electing for anything else.

Bob Stefanowski:

The closest thing we have to a wolf in sheep’s clothing, “payday Bob” is that charismatic son-in-law to which you give a down payment on a house, only for him to loan shark it out.

Steve Obsitnik:

Large bird with Mitt Romney’s haircut violates every campaign finance law on books in effort to break five-election losing streak.

Ned Lamont:

(craigslist ad) “talented dungeons & dragons player, and coincidentally wealthy man, seeks political position to work on his public speaking in front of a mostly uninterested crowd.”

Joe Ganim:

Would like you to know that he’s considering taking some time away from his “business activities” in order to “help the public” if you know what I mean. Utilizing a suspicious bankroll most likely created from an underground craps game in the clink, Joe Ganim has somehow risen back to the forefront of the political spectrum with that thousand-watt smile that says “buy a used, broken car from me.”