Wednesday morning five candidates for governor will wake up with a miserable hangover from Tuesday’s primary results. The two who prevail in their respective parties will march on to the general election wondering about their sanity. What if I win? Good luck with that in a state drowning in red ink. And so, OIB resident cashew crusher Jeff Kohut shares the private thoughts of Connecticut’s gubernatorial candidates the morning after.
Joe Ganim: Now on to Plan B. Write-in candidacy. Sounds all-write to me! The unions will hand out those mock write-in ballots and pencils at the polls for me–just like Jarjura did. I can get, maybe 2,000 “volunteers,” statewide, out in front of the polling places on November 6. Never give up! Never sleep! Never stop moving! Now; how do I want to relax? Do I want to lift weights and listen to Elvis–or Johnny Cash?. Maybe both.
Ned Lamont: Now what do I do! How the hell did I wind up winning! Sh#$!!! I might even win in November!!! Good God! What did I get myself into?! Need to watch some polo, get my mind off things. Yeah, I’ll watch that match on the BBC, have some tea and crumpets, and work on that plan to save Bridgeport by polo. Turn Seaside Park into the Polo Grounds on the Sound. Thousands of jobs for the neighborhood maintaining the grounds, taking care of the horses and stables, cleaning up, and serving the fans Mint Julips and tea and crumpets. Lovely. Lovely. Oh, sh#$!! I could be governor!
Steve Obsitnik: “Siri! You lied to me! You said that I was going to win! You lied to me!!” Siri: Steve; please be calm. I did not say that you were going to win. When you asked me “How will I do on Tuesday?” I said, “Boughton’s in.” You politicians always hear only what you want to hear.
Bob Stefanowski: LOL! LOL! LOL! Laffing out loud! Ha! Ha! Life is a Laffer Curve. An f-ing, mean, roller-coaster ride through hell. “F” GE! “F” UBS! “F” Dollar Financial! “F” Trump. Time to take my blood pressure. Write a letter to “The Economist” about what’s wrong with America. Way too many immigrants, minorities, and white slackards agitating for health care and living wages. No sense of their God-determined place in this world. Need a constitutional amendment to rein-in the riff-raff. Maybe I’ll call Kreskin and see if he’ll help me channel Ronnie and Herbert Hoover. God should not be Taxing my patience. God is Big Government. He owes us all a Tax Break! What should we expect; his son was a Socialist! I don’t like my meds. They restrict my drinking and driving. Life is Laffer curve. LOL!
David Stemerman: I can write off most of those campaign expenses and get tax credits for all of the jobs my campaign created. And I can fire up the old files and get the fund running again. GE’s almost at the right price–about 50 cents a share. Facebook will be at the right price soon–about $1.50. Apple’s going in the right direction now that China has decided to just steal the company outright. I’ll have to wait until the china IPO on the new Asian Apple–probably right around the time of Trump’s resignation in January. Maybe they’ll even keep the name and logo–and Tim Cook. Oil is crashing. Yeah. A good time to fire up the fund and rope in some of those trillions in orphan cash that’s looking for a home. There’s always money to be made in losing political races.
Tim Herbst: “I’d like to put my cigar out in Mark Lauretti’s eye! I wasn’t supposed to lose. How could I lose?! I had the whole CONNECTICUT Gun Rights coalition committed to voting for me. All 300 of them! This was supposed to be a low-turnout race! Those damned old REPUBLICAN geezers said they’d turn out for me. No senior citizen R’s from Trumbull turned out even after I lost an election over my promise to build them a new Trumbull Geezer Center. They probably forgot about the election. Or maybe they remembered my tax increases. Or maybe Tesoro promised them a special, extra, property tax discount and a new Depends Store if they stayed home on election day? I’ll get over it. I’m still young. Maybe I’ll become a cop and get to taze Lauretti at a Party convention in town. Or maybe even arrest Tesoro for lawn sign violations. Tomorrow I’ll buy a new gun that’s even bigger than Lauretti’s, and I’ll take a picture of it and text it to all of my cop friends. I’ll be OK. I’ll beat Tesoro next time, after Bridgeport jacks up our sewer charges.”
Mark Boughton: Holy Sh#$!! I won! (Is this Danbury?! Better pinch myself.) Doc said not to worry about my health–to just seize the day! Always follow doctor’s orders! Thanks again, God! Time to call Winters and tell him that I’m going to be governor in a couple of months and will no longer be taking any of his or Galante’s garbage. Time to play a round of golf and take a swim in Candlewood. Tomorrow, I’ll call Ned and ask him if he can recommend a good polo instructor. (Oh, that’s right. He IS a polo instructor. I forgot that he taught polo and Spanish Riding at Harding High in Bridgeport.) Mount your horses and grab your mallets! Match on!